When a child wanders

I’ve dreaded writing this post….. DREADED….  So many times in life God has pushed me out of my comfort zone.  Sometimes I respond immediately, I take the plunge and then I’m so blessed by it, BUT more times than not, I don’t listen.  Like my 5 year old, I stick my fingers in my ears and say, “God, I can’t hear you or surely that is not what you want me to do!  I might offend someone, I might loose a friend, or the biggie, it might make me look bad.”  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m willing to bet that you feel the same way I do on this next sentence.  I want to look good.  No, not physically, which I do, but more so I want to look like I have it together, I want people to think, “Wow!  She is a great Christian, mom, wife, and friend.”  Who wants to look like they are hanging on by a thread??  Who wants to look like you have failed miserably? Who wants people to think they should have been a better parent or wife? Not this chick! I have wrestled with God on this one.  This is why I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks. 2 Corinthians 12:9 has popped into my head many times. 

But he said unto me, “My grace is sufficient for you, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.”  SO, I’m standing on God’s promise that my weakness as a mom, wife, friend, Christian, and a woman is made perfect when I completely abandon myself to him.  I know there is a reason God has told me to write this post.

Some of you know what happened to us last June.  Some of you don’t.  I’m not going to go into every detail, but when I said 2014 was rough in my first post I wasn’t exaggerating in the least. Our oldest son ran away last June.  On Mother’s Day to be exact. Mom’s, I can hear you gasping now.  Yes, it was crushing.  There had been an incident that morning and Kevin had taken away his phone.  When we came home from church we were all exhausted.  It had been a super busy weekend.  I took a nap with Ollie, and Kevin had taken a nap with Fenley.  The older kids wanted to watch tv or just chill out, or so we thought.  We found an “I’m mad at the world and running away letter.”  Our hearts sank to the bottoms of our toes. Literally.  Immediately I called the police and we had some wonderful friends that began a search party. After looking in the pouring rain for 2 hours one of our friends spotted him.  We were full of emotion.  We were relieved, sad, angry, and scratching our heads at where we had gone so wrong.  It had not been an easy 2 years.  Is it ever easy with a teenager?  We had seen counselors, the youth minister, sought out mentors for him.  We questioned ourselves constantly.  Did we not love him enough? Where we too hard, or not hard enough?  Should we have given more freedom or did we give too much??  After that day we were advised by the doctor to seek out long-term help.  We did, it didn’t work.  We tried another place.  It didn’t work.  We set boundaries. They were broken.  We loved hard, it was rejected.  We did tough love, nothing.  We felt hopeless.  We felt like parenting failures, but we couldn’t just give up.  We had 4 other children that needed us and needed peace and stability. 

Kevin and I had children from previous marriages.  When we got married we thought, finally! They will have a mom and a dad and everything will be perfect and we will all love each other and it will be just like the Brady Bunch. In a way, it was that good.  Our children thrived, especially the boys.  Their biological mom literally walked out without saying good-bye when they were 1 and 3.  She was bipolar with a slew of other problems.  The rejection ran deep, especially for our oldest because he remembered her.  Just enough to hurt.  We had been warned that the teenage years could be bad.  That was an understatement. 

Let me say this, I am Judgmental Judy, or at least I was.  I remember vividly thinking to myself when seeing a parent struggling with a teen, “They just didn’t try hard enough.  They should have done this or that.” What I should have been doing was hitting my knees and joining those parents in prayer.  That’s what we should all be doing. We had some well-meaning friends and family who wanted to give advice when they had no idea what we had been through. I was hurt at first then I just wanted to hit them, like in their teeth.  My sister’s, God love my sisters, quickly told me that those people haven’t seen what we have been struggling with for the past 2 years.  No one has a clue what goes on behind closed doors.  Those parents that I so quickly judged were heartbroken, crushed, they were out of breath from constant battles.  I sat by and didn’t even offer up a quick prayer.  Thankfully, I have amazing friends that texted me, called me, brought food and left it on my door step.  I had family that rallied behind us and stood next to us. 

Before we judge someone’s situation we need to remember that they are human and they are hurting and we are commanded to love and help them without judgment or offering advice on something we have no business offering advice on.  

Our eldest went to live with his biological mom.  It lasted 4 months.  I can remember thinking there will be a day that he will see we were always there and we never left, unlike her.  I think I thought that I would have some sort of redemption when he found out for himself what she was like.  I didn’t. I was sad.  My heart broke that he had to see it. I often dream about pouncing on her the way a lion jumps up and pounces on a zebra, but then I feel God telling me I should pray for her lost soul. I do, but after I pretend I’m the lion in attack mode.  We want to protect our children from hurt, but sometimes it is to their detriment when we do.  Our oldest is still not home. He is safe where he is and doing well.  That hurts a little too.  Why couldn’t he have done that here? There has been no remorse or regret for the behavior.  There might not ever be.  I hope that there is, I pray continually that this will turn into the story of the prodigal son.   I pray he will see how much we love him and because we love him we let him suffer the consequences of some really bad actions.

Parents sometimes you can do everything right and your child chooses the wrong path.  I pray you never have to go through it.  I can’t even begin to explain the hurt. I have no words to describe it.  It is similar to watching your child walk into a busy street and you can’t get to them.  You’re running as fast as you can, your yelling their name, but they continue to walk.

Parents we are not promised that just because we raise them in a Christian home and have them in church every time the doors are open that they will not turn the other direction.  I have seen so many awesome parents that had children that wandered. Some of them have got back on track some have not.  Kevin and I are comforted by Proverbs 22:6.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. We know we raised him the way God wanted us to. Did we do things wrong? Absolutely. We are human and we did the best we could.

Kevin and I both wandered away when we were teens, but by the grace of God we came back.  Our prayer is for him to come to Christ. Every day, that is what we pray. 

So here is my two cents. Take it or leave it.  I hope you take it.  When you see a parent struggling with their child, please don’t judge.  I promise it could be you next week.  Pray for them, don’t just say you are, DO IT!!  Send them an encouraging text or note.

Fight for your children.  The most effective form of fighting is done on your knees.  Literally, get on your knees and pray for you children. Pray for all the children and teens in our world. This world is hard on them and Satan is always on the attack. We have to fight back. We have to be in God’s word. If we are not it’s like going into battle without a weapon.

 Life is rough. Teens make bad choices, it doesn’t mean they are bad people. Let your children know at a young age that there are boundaries and when they cross them there is a punishment. Then follow through. We regret not following through on our word. Always let your kids know there is nothing they can do that will cause you not to love them.  They will make mistakes, it will hurt, but be there when they come back. Isn’t that what God does for us every day??  

 

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

 

2014 was a stinky year. The waves seemed to keep crashing down on us, we would catch our breath only to be knocked down again.  BUT, not one time did God ever leave us, even when we felt far away from him, he would pull us back in.  Our hearts are still burdened for our son, but we also have a peace that is only from God.  We have become so much closer with our children at home.  We pray together for our son. At first, I hated the kids having to go through this with us, but we have to look at it as a teachable moment.  They are learning that we stick together in good times and bad.  When a member of the family gets off track they are learning it’s our responsibility to intercede for them in prayer and to always offer forgiveness.