Blended families- It's kind of like mixing oil & water

 

 

I think it’s safe to say that I didn’t sugar-coat my other posts and I’m not going to this one.  I have quite a few friends that are in their second marriages and have blended families.  They requested that I write about our experience.  The good, the bad, and yes, the ugly.  If you are struggling right now in your blended family.  You are not alone, but be prepared you need to put on your full armor and fight.  Fight for your marriage and children. Kevin and I are in our 10^th year of marriage.  It’s been far from easy, but I’m SO SO SO glad we didn’t throw in the towel!

 

My last post I left off where I began going to the singles group at FBC.  I had been attending the singles group at our church for a few weeks.  I loved it!  The people were so friendly and welcoming and they had been through the same struggles I had been through with divorce.  One Sunday morning I was very late for Sunday School.  When I walked in, Elwin gave me a hard time about being late because he is just awesome like that, but I noticed someone new that looked as young as me.  During this time in the singles group everyone was at least 10 years older than me so I was glad to see someone my age.  After Sunday school we started talking about our children.  I found out he had a son who was 4 and one that was only 4 months older than McKenzie.  It was the next Sunday before I would talk to him.  The next Sunday we made plans to get together and let the kids play.  So I loaded Kenzie up in her carseat and off we went.  When we arrived at Kevin’s house the kids just played like they had been friends forever.  We continued to get together with the singles group and on our own with our kids.  We would go to Chuck E Cheese, the park, bowling, the library, or just hang out at each other’s houses.  Kenzie also started going to the same daycare as Riley and Christopher.  So Kenzie and Chris have been in each other’s lives since they were 20 months old.  When Kevin would need to work late I would pick up the boys or watch them if he needed to work on a Saturday.  We just genuinely enjoyed being around each other and our kids enjoyed being together too. 

 

At this point, I didn’t really think about Kevin romantically.  I was more focused on raising Kenzie and I had started taking night classes at ASU.  I can remember one time I was at my oldest sister’s house helping her paint her living room and she told me that I really needed to go out on a date with him.  I was scared.  I did not want to ever go through a divorce again so at times I thought it would be best to stay single.  Then one day the singles group had a lake day.  Kenzie and I were going to ride with Kevin, Riley, and Christopher.  I had splurged and bought Kenzie such a cute bathing suit from Gymboree.  When you’re a single parent garanimals are your best friend and Gymboree was only for special occasions. = )  We got to the lake and we were about to go swimming so I took off Kenzie’s pull up because I forgot the swimmers.  Well, wouldn’t you know that she went and did #2 in that bathing suit!  I was stressing out trying to clean her up and Kevin just started helping me like it was no big deal.  He took Kenzie’s dirty bathing suit bottoms and went and washed them out. Yes, ladies he washed the poop out for me.  I was sold.  He was the guy for me.  Any man that would clean up poop and not gripe about it was going to marry me.  Kevin had already let me know he wanted to date me, but until now I just didn’t want to, I was too scared to get into a relationship.  After that day we were officially a couple.  He proposed to me, after he asked my dad, a few months later.  We started planning the wedding, but soon realized it was going to be so hard to coordinate his family in Louisiana and my family here in Arkansas.  So, we decided to elope.  I do regret not having the kids there, but it was really quite perfect other than that.  It was just us and that is exactly what we wanted.  We were only able to go away for the weekend because that was all we could afford. It was a great weekend except for right after we got married, like literally 20 minutes after we said I do, we were getting our bags out of the truck to take in the cabin.  When I was walking down the stairs to the truck, I missed a step and went down completely on my booty.  Such a graceful bride. 

 

We got home Sunday night and I thought this is perfect.  We are such a perfect little family.  We were in for a rude awakening.  See, I don’t really feel like there is a honeymoon phase in a second marriage.  You usually already have kids and responsibilities.  So when we got home, we had to dive in organizing schedules and deciding who would be responsible for what. Monday morning hit us like a slap in the face.  We were all rushing around trying to get ready.  I didn’t buy the right cereal and Kevin wasn’t accustomed to dealing with a little girl and all her delightful emotions.  It was rough.  Then we were out shopping one day and I was going to buy something, I can’t even remember what it was, and Kevin told me no!  What!  I thought who are you to tell me no!  I’ve been on my own and doing just fine and this guy was telling me I couldn’t buy something that I really didn’t need.  THE NERVE! = ) 

 

Then it came to bed time.  The boys were on a strict bed time routine. Kenzie-girl, umm, not so much!  Kenzie had been sleeping with me since the day she was born! I know, I know!  So now she had to sleep in her own bed in her own room.  It was a nightmare.  N.I.G.H.T.M.A.R.E!!!  But, she finally got the hang of it.

 Then came discipline.  Kevin will tell you the same thing.  It is just plain hard to see someone get onto your child even when they are being a little stinker.  We had totally different discipline techniques.  It was rough.  If you are struggling with this, sit down WITHOUT kids and talk about what the rules are and what the consequences will be if a rule is broken.  Be on the same page.  During those early years, Kevin and I would not back each other up.  I’m about to say something you don’t want to here.  Even if your spouse is in the wrong, DO NOT correct them in front of the children.  Wait to talk about it until you’re alone.  Heavens to Betsy, we have had many fights over this.

I’m going to be honest, and feel free to ask my husband.  He will tell you the same thing, the first two years of our marriage were HARD.  Praise the Lord we were so broke and couldn’t afford a divorce.  Just being truthful.  In second marriages and I’m sure even first marriages, you have to work at it.  Sometimes you don’t want to.  Sometimes they just get on your nerves.  Sometimes they have bad breath and fart.  Sometimes you want to punch them in the face.  You don’t do it, but you want to.  During a very rough time in those early years, I was telling my sister Stephanie how terrible Kevin was, because you know it’s ok to talk bad about your husband to your sister.  Stephanie told me that I should quit griping and be the person who made the first step.  I needed to love him even when I didn’t want to, I needed to do something nice for him even if we had a fight that morning about a child’s behavior and I thought he handled it wrong.  I needed to pray for him and love him with the love of Christ.  I kind of wanted to pull my sister’s hair and tell her to shut it.  She was supposed to be telling me that I was doing everything right and that he was in the wrong.  Well, she was right.  It wasn’t easy.  It’s not 50/50.  There were times were I pulled more of the slack and then times that Kevin did, but we had to make a choice.  We were going to stay married.  We were not going to make threats of divorce.  We were going to put God first, then our marriage, then our children.  Yes, put your husband or wife before your children.  They need to see that.  They want to see that.  It wasn’t easy, there were times and there still are times that we fail miserably.  Don’t give up, keep fighting.  Oh, let me say again, find a church home!  Get into God’s word.  Find a person who has been married awhile to talk to, or try to find a person in a second marriage that has been married awhile that can mentor you.  I promise they are out there.  One more thing!  Sometimes, especially older kids even good kids, can try to undermine your new spouse.  Try to remember two things.  Divorce was just as hard on them as it was on you, maybe harder.  Love on them and let them know you will always be there for them, BUT let them know that disrespecting your spouse will not be tolerated.  There will be times it gets really hairy.  I know, trust me, I know.  Keep doing the right thing, even when it is hard, and I promise it will be hard.  Stay in church, keep your children in church, try to spend alone time with your spouse every week even if it’s just a walk around the block.   I promise it’s worth it!  We are not perfect, we like to think we are. =) There would have been times it probably would have been easier to just give up, but I’m so glad we didn’t!  The love we have for each other right now is not some fairy tale love, it’s so much better.  It’s the kind of love that we had to fight on our knees to have, it’s the kind of love that washes out poopy swimsuits, holds onto you after you’ve just given birth to a 7 week premature baby that is being sent to ACH because he is struggling to breathe, the kind of love that helps your husband use the bedside toilet because he is too weak to stand, the kind of love that you have to hold onto each other and God because your teenager decided to take the wrong path and leave home.  Our love for each other is tattered and torn, it’s not pretty sometimes and then sometimes it’s beautiful.  But through it all God has been there every single step of the way, guiding us, cheering us on and fighting for us.  I promise he is doing the same for you!!

Seek the Lord and his knowledge, continually seek his presence.  Psalm 105:4

 

Kevin’s Notes- I always let Kevin read these before I post.  He wanted me to add that when you go into your second marriage that you bring in the baggage of your former marriage.  Remember, that your new spouse is NOT your ex-spouse. You might be tempted to start worrying that your spouse is going to treat you the way your former spouse treated you.  This is a new marriage, pray that God will banish your fears and that you can leave that baggage at the front door.  Sometimes you will have to pick up those bags several times a day and toss them on the front lawn.  Oh, Kevin also says that wives should let their husbands go hunting and fishing as much as possible.  = )