Blended families- It's kind of like mixing oil & water

 

 

I think it’s safe to say that I didn’t sugar-coat my other posts and I’m not going to this one.  I have quite a few friends that are in their second marriages and have blended families.  They requested that I write about our experience.  The good, the bad, and yes, the ugly.  If you are struggling right now in your blended family.  You are not alone, but be prepared you need to put on your full armor and fight.  Fight for your marriage and children. Kevin and I are in our 10^th year of marriage.  It’s been far from easy, but I’m SO SO SO glad we didn’t throw in the towel!

 

My last post I left off where I began going to the singles group at FBC.  I had been attending the singles group at our church for a few weeks.  I loved it!  The people were so friendly and welcoming and they had been through the same struggles I had been through with divorce.  One Sunday morning I was very late for Sunday School.  When I walked in, Elwin gave me a hard time about being late because he is just awesome like that, but I noticed someone new that looked as young as me.  During this time in the singles group everyone was at least 10 years older than me so I was glad to see someone my age.  After Sunday school we started talking about our children.  I found out he had a son who was 4 and one that was only 4 months older than McKenzie.  It was the next Sunday before I would talk to him.  The next Sunday we made plans to get together and let the kids play.  So I loaded Kenzie up in her carseat and off we went.  When we arrived at Kevin’s house the kids just played like they had been friends forever.  We continued to get together with the singles group and on our own with our kids.  We would go to Chuck E Cheese, the park, bowling, the library, or just hang out at each other’s houses.  Kenzie also started going to the same daycare as Riley and Christopher.  So Kenzie and Chris have been in each other’s lives since they were 20 months old.  When Kevin would need to work late I would pick up the boys or watch them if he needed to work on a Saturday.  We just genuinely enjoyed being around each other and our kids enjoyed being together too. 

 

At this point, I didn’t really think about Kevin romantically.  I was more focused on raising Kenzie and I had started taking night classes at ASU.  I can remember one time I was at my oldest sister’s house helping her paint her living room and she told me that I really needed to go out on a date with him.  I was scared.  I did not want to ever go through a divorce again so at times I thought it would be best to stay single.  Then one day the singles group had a lake day.  Kenzie and I were going to ride with Kevin, Riley, and Christopher.  I had splurged and bought Kenzie such a cute bathing suit from Gymboree.  When you’re a single parent garanimals are your best friend and Gymboree was only for special occasions. = )  We got to the lake and we were about to go swimming so I took off Kenzie’s pull up because I forgot the swimmers.  Well, wouldn’t you know that she went and did #2 in that bathing suit!  I was stressing out trying to clean her up and Kevin just started helping me like it was no big deal.  He took Kenzie’s dirty bathing suit bottoms and went and washed them out. Yes, ladies he washed the poop out for me.  I was sold.  He was the guy for me.  Any man that would clean up poop and not gripe about it was going to marry me.  Kevin had already let me know he wanted to date me, but until now I just didn’t want to, I was too scared to get into a relationship.  After that day we were officially a couple.  He proposed to me, after he asked my dad, a few months later.  We started planning the wedding, but soon realized it was going to be so hard to coordinate his family in Louisiana and my family here in Arkansas.  So, we decided to elope.  I do regret not having the kids there, but it was really quite perfect other than that.  It was just us and that is exactly what we wanted.  We were only able to go away for the weekend because that was all we could afford. It was a great weekend except for right after we got married, like literally 20 minutes after we said I do, we were getting our bags out of the truck to take in the cabin.  When I was walking down the stairs to the truck, I missed a step and went down completely on my booty.  Such a graceful bride. 

 

We got home Sunday night and I thought this is perfect.  We are such a perfect little family.  We were in for a rude awakening.  See, I don’t really feel like there is a honeymoon phase in a second marriage.  You usually already have kids and responsibilities.  So when we got home, we had to dive in organizing schedules and deciding who would be responsible for what. Monday morning hit us like a slap in the face.  We were all rushing around trying to get ready.  I didn’t buy the right cereal and Kevin wasn’t accustomed to dealing with a little girl and all her delightful emotions.  It was rough.  Then we were out shopping one day and I was going to buy something, I can’t even remember what it was, and Kevin told me no!  What!  I thought who are you to tell me no!  I’ve been on my own and doing just fine and this guy was telling me I couldn’t buy something that I really didn’t need.  THE NERVE! = ) 

 

Then it came to bed time.  The boys were on a strict bed time routine. Kenzie-girl, umm, not so much!  Kenzie had been sleeping with me since the day she was born! I know, I know!  So now she had to sleep in her own bed in her own room.  It was a nightmare.  N.I.G.H.T.M.A.R.E!!!  But, she finally got the hang of it.

 Then came discipline.  Kevin will tell you the same thing.  It is just plain hard to see someone get onto your child even when they are being a little stinker.  We had totally different discipline techniques.  It was rough.  If you are struggling with this, sit down WITHOUT kids and talk about what the rules are and what the consequences will be if a rule is broken.  Be on the same page.  During those early years, Kevin and I would not back each other up.  I’m about to say something you don’t want to here.  Even if your spouse is in the wrong, DO NOT correct them in front of the children.  Wait to talk about it until you’re alone.  Heavens to Betsy, we have had many fights over this.

I’m going to be honest, and feel free to ask my husband.  He will tell you the same thing, the first two years of our marriage were HARD.  Praise the Lord we were so broke and couldn’t afford a divorce.  Just being truthful.  In second marriages and I’m sure even first marriages, you have to work at it.  Sometimes you don’t want to.  Sometimes they just get on your nerves.  Sometimes they have bad breath and fart.  Sometimes you want to punch them in the face.  You don’t do it, but you want to.  During a very rough time in those early years, I was telling my sister Stephanie how terrible Kevin was, because you know it’s ok to talk bad about your husband to your sister.  Stephanie told me that I should quit griping and be the person who made the first step.  I needed to love him even when I didn’t want to, I needed to do something nice for him even if we had a fight that morning about a child’s behavior and I thought he handled it wrong.  I needed to pray for him and love him with the love of Christ.  I kind of wanted to pull my sister’s hair and tell her to shut it.  She was supposed to be telling me that I was doing everything right and that he was in the wrong.  Well, she was right.  It wasn’t easy.  It’s not 50/50.  There were times were I pulled more of the slack and then times that Kevin did, but we had to make a choice.  We were going to stay married.  We were not going to make threats of divorce.  We were going to put God first, then our marriage, then our children.  Yes, put your husband or wife before your children.  They need to see that.  They want to see that.  It wasn’t easy, there were times and there still are times that we fail miserably.  Don’t give up, keep fighting.  Oh, let me say again, find a church home!  Get into God’s word.  Find a person who has been married awhile to talk to, or try to find a person in a second marriage that has been married awhile that can mentor you.  I promise they are out there.  One more thing!  Sometimes, especially older kids even good kids, can try to undermine your new spouse.  Try to remember two things.  Divorce was just as hard on them as it was on you, maybe harder.  Love on them and let them know you will always be there for them, BUT let them know that disrespecting your spouse will not be tolerated.  There will be times it gets really hairy.  I know, trust me, I know.  Keep doing the right thing, even when it is hard, and I promise it will be hard.  Stay in church, keep your children in church, try to spend alone time with your spouse every week even if it’s just a walk around the block.   I promise it’s worth it!  We are not perfect, we like to think we are. =) There would have been times it probably would have been easier to just give up, but I’m so glad we didn’t!  The love we have for each other right now is not some fairy tale love, it’s so much better.  It’s the kind of love that we had to fight on our knees to have, it’s the kind of love that washes out poopy swimsuits, holds onto you after you’ve just given birth to a 7 week premature baby that is being sent to ACH because he is struggling to breathe, the kind of love that helps your husband use the bedside toilet because he is too weak to stand, the kind of love that you have to hold onto each other and God because your teenager decided to take the wrong path and leave home.  Our love for each other is tattered and torn, it’s not pretty sometimes and then sometimes it’s beautiful.  But through it all God has been there every single step of the way, guiding us, cheering us on and fighting for us.  I promise he is doing the same for you!!

Seek the Lord and his knowledge, continually seek his presence.  Psalm 105:4

 

Kevin’s Notes- I always let Kevin read these before I post.  He wanted me to add that when you go into your second marriage that you bring in the baggage of your former marriage.  Remember, that your new spouse is NOT your ex-spouse. You might be tempted to start worrying that your spouse is going to treat you the way your former spouse treated you.  This is a new marriage, pray that God will banish your fears and that you can leave that baggage at the front door.  Sometimes you will have to pick up those bags several times a day and toss them on the front lawn.  Oh, Kevin also says that wives should let their husbands go hunting and fishing as much as possible.  = )

 

 

I went through the Big D and I don't mean Dallas ( Thank you Mark Chestnut for those catchy lyrics)

I feel I should say one more time that I only want this blog to be an encouragement to others.  I love facebook, but sometimes it leaves me feeling depressed.  I must be a bad mom because I am not feeding my children kale and grass fed beef.  I must be a bad wife because I haven’t had a date night with my husband in who knows when.  I must be a loser because I didn’t workout and then post a picture of me drenched in sweat so everyone would know that I indeed did workout.  I must be unsuccessful because I have not built a new home and I live in a middle class neighborhood and I have duct tape holding one of my linoleum tiles down in the kitchen. True story by the way.  I’ll post a picture later.  People! It is driving me mad.  Theodore Roosevelt had it right when he said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  I’m not saying we have to dish all of our problems out, but let’s be real.  So, that is what I want to be, real….  Sometimes people need to see our struggles, especially when you are a Christian.  What better way to minister to someone then to let them see you going through a rough time and then see God lift  you out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire and set your feet upon the rock and give you a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40:2- memorize this when you are having a hard time)  Ok, so now I am about to get really real and tell you about my divorce.

 

I usually only share this information if I feel like it will benefit someone or offer encouragement, but you guys totally gave me such great feedback for being honest and open on my last post that I am going to lay it all out there. J I’ll spare you the gritty details.  I was a teen mom.  I had McKenzie when I was barely 18 years old.  I turned 18 in December and had Kenzie-Girl in February.  I remember the day that my middle sister and I told my parents that I was pregnant.  I still have nightmares where I am reliving that moment.  Seeing the hurt on my father and mother’s face.  I still get emotional about it to this day.  I broke their hearts.  I met McKenzie’s dad when I was 15.  It was bad news from the start.  I spent over 2 years of completely disobeying my parents and sneaking behind their backs to see McKenzie’s dad. This was not a relationship that had God’s blessing. I’m always telling my kids that the choices you make now as teenagers WILL affect you for the rest of your life. My choice not only affected me, but my daughter has to deal with the consequences of my sin. Even though God has wiped away my sin there are still consequences. I married Kenzie-Girl’s dad when I was 17 shortly after I found out I was pregnant……..  Seventeen. Years. Old…………Let me step in for a moment and tell you my parents had me in church all the time.  I was raised in a loving environment.  I was taught good morals and saw my parents in a loving marriage.  I turned away from God.  I chose my way. You know because who isn’t a flipping genius when they are 17?  J  My parents made sure I was taken care of, that I had reliable transportation to drive, and that we had an apartment to live in, but my parents also let me deal with the consequences of my poor choices.  That was the best thing they could have ever done for me.  I am grateful to them for that and if anyone knows me you know when I need advice my parents are the first ones I call, then my sisters. I say that to reiterate that your child will not hate you forever when you let them suffer the consequences of a poor choice.  We need to let our kids know and feel those consequences.  You can imagine that the marriage did not last long.  I’m not going to go into detail because it was bad, very bad. BUT he is Kenzie-Girl’s father and if I talk bad about him then I’m talking bad about her because she is part of him. Obviously, I do vent to my sisters, parents, and Kevin.  Sometimes I fail and say something bad about him when McKenzie is around, but I do try my very best not to.  Ladies that have recently gone through a divorce or maybe you are going through one now.  It does get easier.  Try not to talk bad about your ex-husband in front of your children.  I know it’s hard.  I know!  Find someone who can be a Godly mentor to you that you can share your feelings with.  So by this time I am a 19 year old single mom.  Kenzie was 18 months old. I was terrified. Of course, my parents and sisters were there to pick me up and dust me off. 

God opened the door for me to get a job as a receptionist with a cardiologist in Searcy.  He was such a kind man.  I worked 8 hour days Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday and ½ days on Wednesday and Friday. He still paid me for a 40 hour week.  Again, God knew what I needed before I did and he took care of a frightened 19 year old and her baby.  My oldest sister lived in Searcy at that time which is one of the reasons I wanted to move here.  Stephanie went through a terrible divorce after almost 20 years of marriage.  Hopefully one day I can get her to write something for me to put on her because she is pretty awesome and I know she would have some wisdom to share.  Stephanie told me that I would be going to church with them that first Sunday I had moved to Searcy. I did not want to. I was so ashamed of my situation.  I was humiliated.  I was tired.  I finished my senior year of high school as a pregnant teen and worked full time to make ends meet. I was drained.  But, being the best big sister Stephanie is she met me at the door and took me to the preschool hall.  The same hall that 13 years later I would be in charge of running. God is good, isn’t he?!?  The most precious couple I’ve ever met came up to me and introduced themselves. Ross & Carol Pyeatt.  If you know them then you know you are blessed that God allowed you to meet such wonderful people. Carol was the preschool director then and Ross was the Minister of Education.  They took me in and loved on me when I felt unlovable.  After Carol peeled Kenzie-Girl off of me, I made my way to the singles department.  I was so nervous I thought I was going to pee-pee in my new pantsuit that my momma bought for me.  God bless my momma.  The most adorable man and his wife met me at the door. Elwin & Marilyn Ollar.  If it was not for these two rallying around me I would not be where I am today. These two have a heart for the divorced.  We could use more Elwin & Marilyn’s in this world! 

Some churches are apprehensive to minister to divorced people. That is not the case with Searcy First Baptist Church. This church took me and Kenzie-Girl in and loved us, they ministered to us, and they let me know that just because I was divorced that God was not done with me.  He had great plans for me and I was exactly where I needed to be.  Guys, I’m in tears right now thinking how amazing God is to me! Who am I that he would love me as his own?? While I was going through this rough time there was a man named Kevin going through the same thing, I would meet my future husband 3 months after I started going to FBC and most of you know, Kevin and I met in the singles department at church.  God is faithful.  He IS for you! He DOES love you! I love Francesca Battistelli’s song, He knows my name.  This is my favorite part of the song,

I spent today in a conversation

In the mirror face to face with

Somebody less than perfect

I wouldn’t choose me first if

I was looking for a champion

In fact I’d understand if

 You picked everyone before me

But that’s just not my story

True to who you are

You saw my heart

 And made

Something out of nothing

I’m so happy that God has chosen me and that he knows my name. 

Sisters (and brothers), if you have been through a divorce or are going through one you need to know there is light at the end of that tunnel.  God is not through with you and yes, church is exactly where you belong. I’ve been divorced a 12 years now. It does get better.  You will not be this sad forever. If you stay in God’s word and spend time with God daily you will even be able to forgive your ex-spouse.

 

Friends that have not been through a divorce. If you know someone going through one make it a point to send them an encouraging text once or twice a week, call them, or send them a card. I love getting a letter in the mailbox!  It’s like Christmas especially when it is not a bill!

 

Church- A little over ½ of our population is divorced.  I feel safe to say that this is a ministry that we need to throw ourselves into. We need to pour out God’s love on these individuals.  We need to love them where they are just like Jesus did and continues to do.

In the book “Walk”, by G. Campbell Morgan, he writes the following:

He (Jesus) met their varied needs with strong, tender words and spoke to each one a message of peace and courage.  In Matthew 9, six lives were changed after encounters with the problem-solving Savior. Yours will be too when you stop looking at your problem and focus on the problem solver.

I pray that I will meet people where they are and love them no matter what they’ve done or been through. I pray that I will stop focusing on my problems, but focus on the one who can solve them. EVEN if I don’t like the way he solves them, I need to move out of the way because who am I to question God?

Blessings,

Katie

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3

I had too much to say about divorce so my next post will be about meeting Kevin, our extremely short engagement, and the trials of blended families.  Kevin and I just had our 10^th anniversary this past September.  Blended families, it does get easier, and it is worth it, but let me be a broken record.  You need to find a church home if you haven’t and you need to find a Godly mentor to help you through. 

ICU, broken collar bone, and resignations

 

Sooooo, I’m going to write a blog.  All the cool kids are doing it, I might as well too.  Let me just say straight out of the shoot what this blog will not be……  I will not be writing about fashion, unless you think Garanimals and Faded Glory is fashionable.  If you don’t know what those two things are, I just don’t think we can be friends. This blog will probably be full of grammatical errors.  We have an almost 3 year old, 5 year old, and two teenagers at home and my husband just had 5 brain hemorrhages so just look over any misplaced commas or run-on sentences. I thought I would write a blog to encourage other moms, step-moms, moms that have adopted, moms who feel like they stink at this parenting thing, and most of all give you a laugh at some of the crazy stuff I seem to get myself into.  If anything, I pray that through this blog  you can see that I am the worst sinner of them all, but that I have a God that is ok with that and he is willing to love me no matter how many times I mess up.  He knows I am a work in progress.

I thought I would write about the event that pretty much shook me to the core and caused Kevin and I to totally re-evaluate our lives.  I woke up on December 23^rd getting ready to tackle the day and finish any last minute Christmas stuff that you always put off to the last minute, then you almost have a nervous breakdown trying to get it all done.  Kevin wasn’t feeling well,  He had flu-like symptoms, but that sweet man still got up early, left the house by 6 am and then brought home donuts for the kids before he decided to go to the doctor.  I should share that I wasn’t very sympathetic to Kevin.  I was a little annoyed that he was still milking this sick thing. He had been sick on and off since Thanksgiving. I wanted to say,” Come on Man! Pull yourself together!” In a few hours I would later regret my attitude and ugly thoughts with all my being.  Wives, please believe me when I say, we should choose our words carefully when speaking to our husbands. There have been times that I have treated strangers better than I have the man that I vowed to love in sickness and in health.

  Kevin did go to an urgent care clinic that day.  They thought it was just a viral infection. I called the doctor’s office after Kevin got home. He just looked so bad. They advised me to take him to the hospital if his fever went any higher.  By 5 pm the pain on the left side of his head was excruciating. I took him to the ER. Within an hour the doctor came in to let me know they were taking Kevin to St. Vincent to the NSICU floor. The CT revealed that he had a hemorrhage in his left front lobe.  I texted my sister and parents immediately because that’s what the baby of the family does when she has a problem. 

  I followed the ambulance to Little Rock.  On the way there I called my sweet friend Kristin to tell her what was going on.  She was like white on rice getting our Sunday school class together to pray for Kevin.  Kristin and her husband Richard would later arrive at the hospital within minutes after us. My oldest sister and her husband beat us to the hospital. I cannot even tell you how I felt when I saw Rachel waiting for me. I lost it and my sister was there to help me, just like she always has. Soon to follow was my big sister and her husband who made excellent time from Paragould. Stephanie has been like a second mom to me and has always been there to pick up the pieces when life didn’t go the way I planned. Next, my kind-hearted boss and his sweet wife (who helped me deliver Oliver) arrived, followed by a precious mentor who counseled me while I was the Preschool Ministry Coordinator at FBC.  God knows who you need at just the right time.  Just so you know, my mom and dad were in constant contact with my sisters.  My mom was recovering from diverticulitis and my dad just had surgery the day before to remove cancer on his lip. Otherwise my parents would have been there within a New York minute. 

That first night was scary.  We didn’t know what the future held.  I felt like I should apologize to Kevin for every time I had wronged him.  He looked up at me and told me he didn’t remember half the things I was talking about.  God love him. I made a bargain with God.  If he would heal Kevin I would be the best wife ever.  I would always speak kindly to Kevin, I would love him the way God meant for a wife to love her husband, and I would, as hard as it may be, laugh at his corny jokes even when they annoyed me.  

After the neurosurgeon ran every test known to man, he determined that Kevin had a Cerebral Cavernous Malformation.  He was born with this malformation and the constant coughing was likely the cause of the hemorrhaging. They also found that there were 5 hemorrhages, but only 1 that they were worried about.  There is a 1% chance this will happen again.  We will go back at the first of February for another MRI to determine if Kevin will need surgery to remove the largest hemorrhage.  We are praying that Kevin’s body will reabsorb the biggest bleed.  If that’s not the case, we will deal with it, we have complete confidence God will take care of us just like he always has and always will. 

I know this is a long post.  I probably will never write one as long as this again, but let me say one last thing.  Kevin and I were really struggling with our faith.  For the past 2 years I’ve been the preschool coordinator at our church.  I’ve neglected my spiritual health to the point of burnout.  2014 has not been a kind year to our family.  We were down.  We stopped having our daily quiet time with God, we stopped praying except for throwing up a few trench prayers when we were in a big bind. You would have never known by looking at us.  We’ve learned to put on a happy face and do God’s work with a smile.  Life got messy and we bailed on God.  GOD DID NOT BAIL ON US.  Can I get an Amen?!?  If you are struggling with your faith, your church, your child, or your husband, run towards God.  Immerse yourself in his word.  Fight the good fight.  Satan is a butthole. (Don’t tell my 5 year old that I said butthole)  He will make you think that God is not for you.  He will make you think that church isn’t necessary, but just a social outlet.  He will make you think that the church you are going to isn’t doing enough for you.  You will become cynical, unsympathetic, and you will not extend grace to anyone.  Does this sound familiar?  This was me. God showed me that he is for me.  During this trial, God showered us with kind and loving people.  If Kevin and I would have squashed our sense of entitlement towards the church the first time the thought entered our heads, we would have seen the good.  One of my dear friends always says, “It’s not about me!” How right she is! So if you are throwing yourself a pity party, please learn from my mistakes! Get into God’s word, take captive your negative thoughts, and for Pete’s sake go volunteer to do something at your church. I promise God has a job just for you! If you don’t have a church home.  Start looking today.  If it wasn’t for the friendships that we’ve made at church we would be in a dark place right now. It was our church family that did what God called them to do and ministered to us in our time of need.  Oh, my title was ICU, Broken collar bones, and resignations.  So Fenley broke his collar bone while we were at the hospital. It’s a miracle he was our first child to break a bone. He is expected to make a full recovery. = )  After much prayer Kevin and I decided I needed to be home to take care of our family during this season in our life so I  resigned  from my position at church. I’m looking forward to what God has in store for our family, friends, and our church in 2015.

Blessings,

Katie

Seek the Lord and his knowledge; seek his presence continually. Psalm 105:4

Warning- next week I’m going to write about divorce, second marriages and blended families. I’ve done all three. = )